Thursday, April 29, 2010
Life on the other side.
So today I had a conversation with my parents. It consisted of the topic of parents who constantly travel for work. My mom stated that if she kept her old job, she would never be home. Ahhh, such a teenager's dream. As i was sitting there, letting my thoughts overcome what my mom kept on talking about, I imagined all the incredible possibilities. Teenagers love freedom. Do not get me wrong, my mom and I get along just fine but sometimes I need my space! Whenever my mom and dad are gone for just a night, I feel a feeling of independence, capability, and extreme delight. I kind of feel on top of the world. The reason for this, most likely, is that I do not have someone hovering over me, watching every thing I do. I can go crazy and there is no one around to watch me and ruin whatever I want to do! I do not want my parents to be gone to do "bad things", just to have a little change of pace and fun? Anyway, I went back to listening what my mom was saying and she said, "I think it would be fun to travel but I think it would be more fun to be with my kids and see them play their sports or help them with homework." Is that a joke? haha
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
So, first off, thank you for your wonderful comment on my blog, and so I'll return the favor here.... :)
ReplyDeleteA View of the Absent Parenting Style, by Jay Pike
Having lived the life of having both the fully committed parent and later the absent parent, I have been sensitive towards this situation in my observations of other parents and the eventual impacts on their children. Since it is in our nature to always want to improve our current situation, it is only natural for our persona to strive towards that which we see as massively different from our reality.....
The absent parent comes from one of several major categories, right?
* Runaway parent (e.g.: drugs)
* Immature parent (e.g.: had children too young)
* Career driven
* Split/divorce/etc.
* Other
Runaway and immature parents bring about their own situations which have long-lasting impacts on children that need not be touched here (personal experience of friends will teach us all we need to know about these along with the split/divorce situation).
From a career absent parent, of which you mention in your original blog entry, we find a much different demographic. The career driven parent may often have had children out of a compulsory drive to fit in with their peers or in some misguided moment when they had envisioned a different life for themselves. When investigating the source of the drive of these individuals, though, we find a very selfish core. A core that finds the involvement of or even the caring for a child more of an aggravating responsibility than a lifelong pride.
These are the parents who hired off their parental obligations long ago to someone else (nanny, grandparent, other parent, etc). In social events for their child, they are most often the first to part from the actual event and "mingle" with those they feel are peers and try to "work the crowd" and push their own individual agenda rather than support their kids. This is the parent who is "never there".
ReplyDeleteBe careful for what you wish for... independence has a price.
I must note, this is much different than the parent who is not there because they are too busy trying to work to support the family. These two are much different. In one, the parent wants to be there but can't because they are doing what they feel is best in support of the family. The other is a case of not being there because of a drive to succeed in which they place their personal development and career track ahead of their family.
In the career driven absent parent situation, the eventual impact to the child is a strong reflection in the psyche of the child of the parent's lack of respect and eventually a realization of a lack of love. The parent doesn't acknowledge the child in any meaningful way, and now the child must turn elsewhere for that attention.
In some cases, this is successful, believe it or not. If you look at many of the large and supremely wealthy families in the world, you will find an echoing of this situation where the parent is only driven by success and offspring are a social requirement and not an internal drive. The children are raised by substitute caregivers and grow up always seeing their parents as if through a glass wall: viewable but never really touchable. The responsibility of greatness is an expectation laid on these children at an early age. These children want to be loved and respected by their parents so much that they work even harder to succeed as they operate under the subconscious mantra that if they can become amazingly successful they will somehow gain the love and respect they've lacked all of their lives from their parents. They never realize that this is a never ending and cyclic pattern that their parents and their own children will live through.
In other situations, though, this goes badly wrong and often ends with drugs or prostitution and premature end-of-life situations.
I guess my point is more that in your present situation, a drive towards independence is a good thing as soon enough you will be entirely on your own and able to "go crazy" at any time of the day or night. You have an advantage right now with having someone else being responsible for the logistics of your existence (food, lodging, etc) which allows you to be free in your own actions since these life burdens oft slow us down as we get older as we are forced to focus on a sustained existence rather than momentary pleasure.
ReplyDeleteSoon, you will have complete autonomy of existence. In envisioning your desire towards the situation you speak of, be extremely cognizant of the extreme costs to you in realizing that lifestyle. Were that your life, most assuredly you would not be the person you are nor would you be appreciative of the photographic image of someone else's offspring since the mere thought of a child would not reach out and touch you more than the ant you step on without ever even realizing it as you'd commoditize your reality in view of other "success" factors.
In hindsight, my teenage years were the worst of my life and I couldn't wish that on anyone (being a teenager). There are too many external factors at play that you just can't control and nothing is ever static long enough for you to find solid footing. It's like climbing a mountain of flowing lava with unstable gravity: you get burned every time to change, tumble this way only to find the ground you were just on is gone.... My teenage utopia always revolved around jumping on a 65 foot sailboat and slowly touring the world one port at a time but with long periods of solitude in between intense experiences in places that didn't know me and I wouldn't understand what was being said to, or more importantly, about me. After spending two years with the woman I thought was to be the last one I'd ever need to know, we parted under the premise of wanting to widen our relationship experiences by "getting to know other people".... but, in hindsight she never moved very far from where we were (she lives a few miles from where she grew up and she married the next person she dated after our 2.5 years)... Had my parents been present for most of those teenage years, I would have to think that my life would have been different from my reality. As it was, there was no one there to pick me up when I fell, and I fell hard a few times. Although today, my mother is my best friend, it took a long time and a lot of forgiveness to get there... and part of that, I'll never be able to forgive... and part of that they'll never understand.
Your mom may be acting from personal experience or even learned experience. Either way, she cares enough to be there which is a hundred times more than what large portions of the world can get. And I'm not saying you should respect that, in fact, you should question that... but at least you have a parent to be able to answer your questions....
jp
My best times ever at home were the ones I stayed alone for a week when they travel and I was old enough to say no and be left behind! And I relate to those "crazy" things one does when alone! such good times! hope u'll always have them :)
ReplyDeleteoh, and such a lovely song u're playin!